It was the middle of the night, and I was up– which is not at all unusual for me for the past (almost) 5 years. But this time I was awoken, not by a little hand on my shoulder whispering “Mommy?”, (or , more often, a little scream down the hall calling my name!) – but,
by this new thing in my life- pain like screw drivers in my knees, and up and down my legs…. I had recently found out I have Lyme Disease, and this pain is something I’m getting used to. It doesn’t sound like it should be such a big deal, and some days I barely notice it. But that night it was particularly bad, and I was in tears and I had to wake up my husband…
I had just gotten the positive blood work back that Monday, and it was initially a relief to know I wasn’t making it all up in my head!
I had cancelled on friends for the Philadelphia Flower Show because I had been feeling so bad for the past 2 months. We had a date night at home because I didn’t feel like I could leave the house. I skipped Crossfit a bunch of times because I couldn’t squat in the morning. I felt like I needed a nap every day, even on days when the girls hadn’t woken me the night before so I was able to sleep all night. I felt like I was catching a bad cold every week.
Chronic fatigue and joint pain, and terrible immune system—but all those things could be from Mom life right? But aren’t I too young to have bad knees and hips? Maybe it’s from Crossfit? …But then some days I felt fine. I went back and forth in my head about it, but we felt like something was off, so I went to the Doctor .
I thought it was my thyroid because there’s family history there. And when I went to my Doctor, he agreed, that’s probably what it was. “But we’ll check for Lyme too, just in case.” I didn’t think that would be necessary.
I go to a holistic chiropractor too, I didn’t mention Lyme to him because it truly wasn’t on my radar. But without knowing it had already been suggested, he suggested I get a Lyme blood test too. I was “showing for Lyme” , however those natural doctors can see those things;}
Long story short, the thyroid panel came back negative, and the Lyme was positive. I was surprised at first- but like I said, relieved, that I wasn’t making it all up in my head.
But then the second day as I researched a little, I was immediately overwhelmed at all the stories of how long it can take to get rid of! And how research is showing it doesn’t just come from ticks, but the Lyme bacteria can come from mosquitos and mice and other little gross things….
Thinking about how and when I got it can make me go crazy…so , I’m done with the research.
But : the hardest part : is that we were planning to try for another baby this summer- but I just couldn’t imagine adding pregnancy to this pain and fatigue!
All those things were swirling around in my head that night when I woke up my husband, and he was gracious and sweet with his ailing wife.
I told him how I had truly been getting excited about having another baby- the girls seem so ready, and they talk about their “baby brother” as if he already exists. We all have got into the habit of calling our spare bedroom “the baby’s room.” We had already planned for a bigger age gap between our 2nd and 3rd child…now it will grow bigger.
My husband, though sleepy, had such comforting truth for me: “God knows when our next baby will be born.”, he simply said.
There’s an imaginary idea of what a Godly husband and father should look like. But for my husband, this is what his leadership often looks like: speaking simple truth in hard moments, that wash over it all and bring truth and comfort and grace.
It was one of those moments when you’re so discouraged, and the next moment your lifted up and your faith is renewed. My husband reminded me Who is in control of this story.
So the next day when I went to the chiropractor, and asked him his opinion about getting pregnant while having Lymes, I didn’t have an inner meltdown when he said it is a good idea to wait.
The peace that came with my husband’s words late the night before washed over me again, and I knew this was the path God has for us now.
This was just a couple weeks ago, and by God’s grace I’ve held two sweet newborns of two sweet friends, and it was a sweet moment between the Lord and me. My oldest sister had her 4th baby. I can smell those sweet newborn smells and hear those sweet newborn sounds, and not have a jealous bitter heart for the gift He’s given those friends and my sister, and for now has set aside till later for me.
I can enjoy this summer with my family: gardening and grilling, picnics in the yard, chalk and bubbles, the free petting zoo and a pool membership, walks around the neighborhood with the girls in the wagon, meeting up with friends at the park, snuggling together and watching movies in the air conditioning–
there is so much to enjoy and be thankful for, though there is pain with Lyme,
and pain for a hope deferred.
But God is sovereign over all, and my comfort and joy in both.
I may blog a little here and there about my time with Lyme because I can already see God using it for good in my life. This could be a short thing that becomes just a memory, -my honest prayer! Or, it could be something that takes a long time to figure out and get rid of.
It’s impossible to predict, but I can predict that God will be faithful to me. He knows how long my time with Lyme will be. He knows when our next child will be born.
“Bitterness dissolves when I remember the kind of love with which He has loved me- He gave Himself for me. He gave a Himself for me. He gave Himself for me. Whatever He is doing now, therefore, is not cause for bitterness. It has to be designed for good, because He loved me and gave Himself for me.” -Elisabeth Elliot , Keep a Quiet Heart