Last week I felt like I was getting better. I had gone days without joint pain and I was rejoicing!! I was counting out the little orange pills in the bottom of my little orange bottle, and having faith that I could totally be better by the time the bottle was done.
This week, the joint pain is back, which means that lovely Lyme bacteria is still around, making itself cozy and at home in my knees and ankles and elbows. Not what I wanted.
A couple days were spent in bed watching Little House on the Prairie dvds with my girls.
My girls had a little stomach bug too, which helped make life seem even more unkempt.
Yesterday was a hard day. I was supposed to host a book study at my home, but I cancelled last minute because of my girl’s leftover germs, and with me not feeling well again. (And honestly, because of the condition of my home! ) I was going back and forth in my mind, stressing over if that was the right decision. I felt like it was, but I was disappointed with my inability to keep up with life.
I needed some alone time and I sent my girls outside to play “till Daddy gets home”, though I myself could barely stand the heat.
I was just sitting inside thinking about what’s hard,
wishing I could just take a walk with my girls around the block without fear that it would make me feel sick! Wishing I could keep up with all the normal things I need to keep up with. Feeling like I should be reading more to my girls and figuring out a better routine for our days.
We should be taking better advantage of our pool membership! We should be finishing up our summer reading plan from my the library. I should be feeding my family more nutritious meals! My daughter’s birthday this week should have been more special!
My heart feels hard toward the Lord at times, like He’s keeping me from being the best person I can be. Keeping my girl’s from the best Mom they could have; keeping my husband from the best wife he could have.
As I was sitting there in my discouragement,
a friend called out of the blue, and I knew I had to answer.
(Who calls people on the phone anymore?? )
She shared some things that were on her heart- a hard circumstance she just can’t figure out, and how she’s struggling to have joy in her days as a Mom. These were all things I could relate to! , and suddenly I wasn’t so alone. As she spoke, I could see God’s hand in her life, and immediately my eyes were taken off myself and my circumstances.
I was able to see God’s faithfulness in this friend’s life, and I was freshly aware of His faithfulness in mine.
My friend’s call was such a gift to me! How easy it would have been to ignore her call since I wasn’t feeling well. She told me to call her the next day if I still wasn’t feeling well, so she could come over and help me.
And when our phone call ended, I suddenly had fresh energy for the tasks of the evening. I went outside with my girls, and filled up their pool and let them play with the hose, even though it meant more mess to clean up, and me being out in the heat.
The sunlight and grass under my feet were like a little piece of Heaven after a couple sick days inside. I was still not feeling well, but my heart was strengthened.
And when my husband got home and said “Let’s order pizza for dinner”, I wasn’t drowning in condemnation about how much our diet stinks right now. We sat around the table and ate our pizza, and practiced our catechism with the girls and worked on memorizing “Love is patient and kind.”
It would have been so easy for me to just go upstairs and lay in bed while Bron got the girls their dinner.
But there was fresh faith, a sweetness and beauty and grace brought into our evening, all because of a phone call from a friend. Well, all because of God’s grace shown through her.
And the next day, when I had to skip Crossfit, and my girls watched a movie right after breakfast,
before I could allow myself to be discouraged, I got a text from the same friend. She was checking in to see how I was feeling. And promising to come as soon as she could.
I have to be honest, it was hard for me to say yes!
Did I really want her to come over and see my mess??
But I needed her to come over and see my mess.
She gave me a reason to get showered and dressed 🙂 . And she came and she sat with me in the mess, and kept me company while our girls played all over the house. We ate lunch together and we had the last of Emmy’s birthday cake for dessert.
My girls were happy for some playmates, and I was happy for a friend who could see me in my mess and love me still!
She helped me clean the kitchen, and she was a picture to me of God’s love and grace.
So, what I said about my heart being hard towards the Lord, and feeling like He’s keeping me from being the best person I can be?
Well, I am realizing that my idea of who I want to be is nothing compared to who He wants me to be!
And I am trusting this time of weakness and trial will make me into more of the person He wants me to be. The kind of wife and mother, and friend, He wants me to be.
Meanwhile, there are gifts to be found– like a phone call from a faithful friend, and a visit the next day. My husband flourishing in his role as the leader of our home. Extra snuggles with my girls while the laundry piles up and we watch Little House.
And as I approach the last week of my antibiotic, and I’m still not healed, I can still agree with David in Psalm 16: “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; [He] holds my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. ”
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul …
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.