Once a month, I’ll post a rambly post from my rambly heart ,without taking time to edit and overthink. (Believe it or not I really do hack away for a day or two at all my posts before I share them, so they’re slightly more cohesive.) Here I go:
Last month, when I wrote, it was early August. Definitely the prime of Summertime, but in the the air it was feeling like Fall. I do believe I was drinking a chai that day. ☕️
And I wrote about how I was looking expectantly to the season ahead, with cooler weather and shorter days, and more chai teas. I wrote about how it seemed then that my Lyme symptoms were fading too, just like those Summer days…
Today, it’s late September, early Fall, and ironically it’s been feeling like Summer again. It’s like these two months should trade places. The leaves on the maple tree outside my bedroom window are half gone, as I look at them now…
But I’ve traded in that spiced chai for iced coffee. And the shorts and summer clothes I had packed away are out again; it’s been so hot.
And kind of like those shorts, that I thought I was done with, that I didn’t want to think about for a long, long time, and so I pushed them back in the closet where I couldn’t see them;
just like the season of Summer I thought was over, but isn’t,
that I’d hoped I was trading in for a new, fresher, fuller one, but I’m not…
my Lyme symptoms are back with a vengeance.
As I wrote last month, & I quote:
“I’m looking forward to Fall because I feel like this Summer has been all about recovering from Lyme disease. And I don’t know for sure, but the worst seems to be behind us now, and the Fall and Winter ahead just seem like an invitation to get on with life.
it might get worse again,
and that’s okay too.”
Of course, I meant it at the time. The first part :and: the second part. And I still do.
But, of course, I hoped this new season would be “an invitation to get on with life”, and not an invitation back to the couch.
I was out in the heat with the girls yesterday, ripping out the half-dead zinnias from our front yard. There were big puffs of dusty-dirt as I yanked up their roots, and my youngest one laughed at me and she tried to help.
As my daughters ran around in the grass and got all sweaty in September, and the dirt from my shovel poured over my sandals-in-September-feet,
it was hitting me how “so-not-what-I-wanted” life had been the past week. Yesterday was a pretty “good day” as friends who know Lyme will understand. But the weekend was rough. I was in bed all day Saturday and half of Sunday.
Sara Groves wrote a song called Like A Lake. And It describes how I’ve been feeling lately.
“Everything in me is drawing in, curling in around this ache. :I am fighting to stay open:, like the surface of a like; wide open like a lake.”
That is me each day lately, fighting for faith in God’s goodness and plan. Fighting against “curling in around this ache” with thoughts of doubt, and temptation to withdraw in bitterness from friends and family and church…
This morning as Bron lead our family in Bible reading, he asked the girls what we can pray for this week. Emmy immediately said “to help Mommy’s ‘Lymes’ be all gone.” And Bron added, with a gracious/teasing side-eye: “and that Mommy will trust God in a hard season.”
I’m thankful for a husband (and daughter) who pray for me.
We chose antibiotics in hopes that the Lyme bacteria in my body would be dealt with quicker that way. All the stories we heard of the natural route for treating Lyme seemed to indicate that it takes forever to recover that way.
We didn’t feel like we had forever! We didn’t want to have to deal with this long term. I hoped I could be one of those people who can say “I had Lyme.” But instead it seems more likely that I may be among the many who have Lyme Disease. (Or, Post-Lyme, or Chronic Lyme, whatever you want to call it.)
So, I’m following my family doctor’s advice to be done with antibiotics after a three month round of trying to kill the bacteria this Summer. He said if three months didn’t kill it, more time won’t either. And I appreciate his honestly! I need to find another treatment.
So, now I’m doing a 30 day regimen of essential oils, and searching for a doable anti-fungal/anti-inflammatory diet to help alongside that. I must admit, I’m not quite as hopeful as I begin this new treatment !
Before, when I’d pop my antibiotic each morning and evening I would pray “Please Lord, kill this bacteria so we can get on with life!” But God did not answer my prayer in the way that I hoped.
Now as I layer essential oils on the bottoms of my feet and wrists and I take my supplements, I’m praying prayers that He’ll just get me through the day– give wisdom for when to work and when to rest; how much to push myself on my good days and how much to rest on my bad days.
Praying that He’ll keep me “open , like a lake”, not “curled around the ache” that He didn’t answer my prayers as I would have thought best. That He’ll use this for His glory, and keep me close to Him as I learn to trust Him more.
Another Sara Groves song I love describes my prayers lately too:
“From this one place I can’t see very far;
in this one moment, I’m square in the dark.
these are the things I will trust in my heart:
You can see something else.”
God can see something else, because He’s the one in control of it all. And whatever becomes of my health, He’s sovereign and good over it all. He’s been faithful and kind though it all. I can continue to trust Him, even as it looks like I’m stepping into the territory of “Chronic Lyme” I was praying against.
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel ? Well first of all, it is heresy, but second of all it is :nothing: compared to the true gospel. The prosperity gospel tells me that God loves me and wants me to be happy and if I have enough faith, God will give me health, wealth and prosperity on this earth.
But the true gospel tells me that “because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, God made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ.”
I don’t need health, wealth, and prosperity. I was dead in my trespasses, and God made me alive! That is what I needed, and I have it!
I need the immeasurable riches of His grace. I need His Kindness. I need His great love. And I have it in Christ. And so can you.
He brings meaning and beauty to my suffering, because of the meaning and beauty shown on the cross. And as I behold the cross, He is changing me.
So, these are things I tell myself as I lay in bed with a migraine and joint pain, when there’s so much to be done. And it applies to you too wherever you are struggling; wherever He has you. He wants to help you too.
Because of the cross, we can sing the faith-filled song with Sara Groves “from this one place I can’t see very far; [But] You can see something else.” And we can agree with Charles Spurgeon, like I shared last month, when things seemed brighter. It is true even moreso in suffering:
‘Send me what thou wilt, my God, so long as it comes from thee;
never came there an ill portion from thy table to any of thy children.”